vilt

09:34 pm: My very good friend Lindsey and her man Hector are on the move again to Colorado. For the past 6 years lindsey has never stayed in one spot longer than 8 months, she keeps it spicy. Anyways, Mike had a great quote. "They are moving to a different state? You know humans have had farming for about 10,000 years...you dont need to be a nomad".

Another Mike Vilt highlight...discussing the wildfires in Cali.

"Yeah...I was checking the news and the headline was "Raging fire 0% contained". 0%!...shit thats bad."

I said they need to get a Dwight Shrutish volunteer fire fighter out there with a bucket and give him a square foot to piss over...get that percentage to a robust 1%....you know, to help boost morale.




Or maybe haul this whale off the beach and get his ass working(maybe give him a bigger bucket).



Last note on the wild-fires...I heard on the radio that a fox reporter was reporting the news live as he saw his own home burn down. Talk about a shitty day on the job.

The drive from Cbus to Nashville today? Sucked balls. I drove through one rain cloud into a bigger rain cloud. It was like a rain cloud orgy and my Nissan and me were stuck in the middle. It was not a pretty sight....rain everywhere, splashes on my windshield...it was not a good drive.

06:17 pm: I'm thinking arby's
Arby's has a hell of a deal going on right now...you can get a medium fry, medium coke and a market fresh sub for $3. Thats almost stealing from them. So I was planning my drive home and I thought to myself, "I wonder if there is an Arbys on on the way home off the highway?". I thought that would be a great idea for a website...show places of interests (in this case an Arbys) on your mapquest page. Well Arby's beat me to it...on their website they have such a feature...they show all the Arby's along your route.

Well done Arby's marketing people...well done.

I buddy Dusen got engaged....congrats to him. Thats going to be a hell of a wedding, so I hope I'm invited (I'm probably borderline right now).

Indians in the ALCS...without me watching "Major League" 0-1
Indians in the ALCS...with me watching "Major League" 3-0

You think thats a coincidence? I in hell dont.

And dont worry...I have Major League 2 saved for the world series.

I found out the Nashville Predators have a 70's night/college night / $2 beer night on Dec. 6th. They might as well call it "Steve Vilt" night.

And yes, I will be wearing a fake mustache on that night.

10:25 pm: My last connections to the real world
My social life probably hit rock bottom about 3 days ago. It was around 9 o'clock on saturday night, watching the Indians with two people who couldnt give a shit about the game and couldnt crap out a logical comment even if they wanted to.

"Josh Beckett...he seems to be good, why dont they just pitch him everyday?"

Ahh...high comedy there Mr. Joe. But wait, he was serious. Dead serious. How could a 27 year-old White American male be that clueless when it comes to baseball?

But that wasnt the low point...it was when Joe suggested we go to Sonic...and I was ecstatic. I am so deprived for social interaction that going to Sonic with two border-line social outcasts got me excited. That was the highlight of my week and that makes me sad. : (

So I have two things keeping me somewhat excited to live. The Office, and Joe's Warcraft quotes. Now I will blitz you with a random sampling of all that I have left in the social world.

Joe's Warcraft Commentary:

Joe (as calmed and non-nonchalant as possible):"Fuck....I'm on fire"
Joe (with a slight twinge of cockiness and a hint of evil): "Haha, I'll show you who's a better Warlock"
Joe: "Ummm......Ohhhh.........Ummmmm........Fuck."

Michael Scott: I love inside jokes. I'd like to be a part of one some day

Michael Scott: [While eating a pretzel] It tastes so good in my mouth.
Stanley: That's what she said. [He and Michael laugh]

Oscar: [of Mexican descent] I can play [basketball] if you need any help.
Michael Scott: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.

It’s like when the freshmen would throw a party and they wouldn’t let the seniors come.

Don’t be sad. She’s in a better place. Actually, the place she is in is in the freezer…because of the odor. - Dwight K. Schrute

Ohh...and go Indians. Cleveland has to have the most homely looking and old-school fans of anywhere. I wont accept anything else.

12:31 pm: Last night was the Kayne concert.

The two opening acts performed for about 1 hour combined, and Kayne didnt go on till 10:15...which means there was a good 70 minutes of down time. I realize you got to do the sound check and music bullshit, but 70 minutes? I hope technology has advanced past the point that it takes an hour to set up a few mics and shit. Completely lost my buzz...I was pissed. The dagger was the lack of alcohol sales (it was on university property). I have never yearned for a beer like I did last night.

But Kayne was hot, 30-piece orchestra, the beats blazin...I was jamming. "Stronger"? Fuck yeah. Best 5 minutes of concert I have been too...the place was just going ape shit.

In tribute to the Indians I'm going to watch Major League before the tonights game. I think that would be unstoppable karma.

Speaking of Indians...game 4 of the Yankee series was on Columbus day. I saw a sign in the stands that read:

"Ever since 1492, the Indians have been screwed. We are due."

Not only is it historically accurate (Native Americans do get shit on) but it is also highly comical. Plus it incorporates Columbus day...great job all around on that sign.

09:50 pm: Trouble in warcraft paridise.
Joe and his warcraft partner, Walt, are on the outs...first it was general bickering over who got the gold bristle-back pelt, but now they are trading heavy blows. It's pretty good entertainment hearing them bitch back on worth over the internet.

Walt - "I still cant believe you traded in the 7-gem wand without asking if I needed it"

Joe - "You WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME THING!!!!!! Dont be a bitch! Fuck man...we are done with this argument. You've been upset about this for 2 weeks, let it go"

I hear Joe pounding on his desk.

Walt - "You panicked and acted for yourself....just admit it".

Joe - "Hell with you..." as Joe logs off.

As far as warcraft relations go, I think Walt would be sleeping on the couch with only his level 7 silver star cape to keep him warm.

Here's the shitty thing, Joe's normal routine would be: get home at 5...emerge for some dinner around and go back in this room till midnight.

That worked for me...never saw Joe, didnt have to hear about his shitty stories and I wouldnt have to compete for the television (Joe likes BattleStar Gallatica). But since the "break-up" Joe very rarely plays warcraft. He probably doesnt want to have the akward encounter of meeting Walt in fantasy warcraft land. It's always shitty when you run into an ex...even in an imaginary world full of druds and unicorns.

Today I missed "The Office" reruns due to some Brazilian tribe thing. Walt, please kiss and make up...I want my tv back.

Indians...Paul Byrd is an ugly son of a bitch but he got the win. Now it's the sox and I like our chances with CC and Carmona throwing two games a piece.

Browns backers on sunday was a bit awkward. I sat next to a guy I met the previous week and eventually I found out his wife is leaving him. So I barely know the guy so it was as uncomfortable as can be.

Dude: "I'm going back to Ohio."
Me: "Ohh...you and the wife going back home to visit some family"
Dude: "Nope, I'm moving back...without the wife. I fucked it up."
Unsettling silence for 3 minutes
Me: "Ummm...I hope the Browns can keep it close for a half."

What the hell am I supposed to say? So I couldnt just leave this guys table, so I just sat there watching the game and made random ass statements every 5 minutes or so. "I like our punters look." "Why doesnt Romeo fill in for Ted Washington...he has the physique" It was a shitty time.

12:45 pm: I'm glad my request for more "wiener" usage in daily vocabulary has taken root. I was watching College Gameday and I see a bright yellow sign in the background...

"UrbanMeyer'sAWiener.com"

Good work LSU...good work.



(I dont have photoshop so I couldnt crop out the dog...the dog's a pimp anyways so he can stay. Still, I was impressed I was able to find a picture of Urban Meyer as a weiner.)

Robin...one of the other first year grad students, is kind of off-tilt. He's a nice enough guy but he just does random ass stupid shit. He's a cross between a 18-year old jackass frat boy, Gibby, and a dog who consistently licks his own balls.

Anyways, he's that guy who pushes 4 buttons on the elevator right before he gets off. He is also on a solo-mission to corrupt Juan Carlos. He's telling him to say stupid shit like "Fuck-tard" and "Shit for brains" all the time. Robin could play with the vertical transportation buttons all he wants...but he better stop messing with my man Juan. Juan's legit, he doesnt need to get his brain muddled from some hillbilly from Tennessee.

Who the hell says "Fuck-tard" in the first place?

11:06 pm: Go tribe
Indians handled the Yankees like a floppy one. I cant wait till Carmona beans Jeter in the eye with a fastball.

I'm fully entrenched in the lame life of a grad student...the highlight of my week by far is watching the Office. "Pam and Jim...not a good match. I think they both can do better."

So I've been running pretty intense lately and I now have shin-splints. Summabitch.

I pretty much decided that I'm going to avoid the soccer games. If I wanted to hang out with a bunch of cocks I would go to a gay bar. Plus it's causing my groin to hurt.

Clarification: The soccer is making my groin hurt...not the gay bar.

Apparently Joe is going up against level 59 warlords or something because things have been getting intense over in the world of warcraft. Banging on his computer...swearing at some imaginary dragon or something...he kinds scares me right now. It's pretty much a 50/50 chance that his character will die and he will flip and kill all his roommates (which is me for those scoring at home) and then drink drain-o to off himself. I would be laughing right now, but there is a real possibility that last sentence could be a truthful prophecy, so I'm even more scared now.

The best part is that he makes indecipherable noises and swears like a alcoholic 8 year-old. I'm pretty sure I can record the sounds he makes and make him a star on youtube. "What..emmm...whooooo....what the FUCK! FUCK ME! What...the....WHAT!!! Bastard...eeegggghhhhqqqq BASTARD me Fuck."

That line of words really did come out of Joe's mouth. I dont think anyone can ever re-pronounce eeegggghhhhqqqq, but that's what noise came out of his mouth.

07:49 pm: So I'll do a quick summary and I end with a classic rant on soccer.

Quick summary....I just took my first exam today in math. I did good...I feel a 22 out of 25. I remember walking out of my African Civ class 1 1/2 years ago at Columbia and thinking to myself, "that was the last exam of my life'...and I promptly cracked open a beer. Well I'm back on the exam grind...just doing what it do (I still dont know what the means).

Did a workout today...nothing major, a 4 mile tempo at 5:45 pace but I did roll out a 5:10 last mile.

TA duties...are trouble. I have 3-4 girls always come to office hours and they always wear the shortest skirts and show as much cleavage as possible. Plus they are good looking...I'm not going to lie. When a hot girl wears napkins for clothes a guy cant help but notice. I'm succeeding in being the mature TA who doesnt stare lustily at 18 year-olds...but it's getting tougher each time out. In addition this one girl came to office hours and I accidentally rubbed dirt on her skin-tight thin-layered sweat-pants with my shoe when I readjusted my seat. I apologized and reactively brushed off the dirt. Then I realized I was definitely rubbing her upper thigh. Even when you try to win you lose : (

Here's the rant:

So I'm on an indoor soccer team and it blows. First the rules are especially designed to limit any advantage I have (namely speed and endurance). I really think they sat down and thought of rules specifically to screw over all the Steve Vilts playing. The field is a basketball court (with out of bounds) and the goals are about 2 feet wide. So you are playing in a small-ass area with small-ass goals...making ball handling a premium. I dont handle balls...on the soccer field or in life, so I'm pretty much useless.

Making matters worse is that my teammates are dicks. Today we played with only one-sub (which was me) and I didnt budge from the bench in the second half even though my teammates where playing shit D cuz they were sucking wind (they probably suck cocks too). Making matters worse was that they are big dicks when the game is close.

This one guy was pissing my teammate off so my jackass teammate just fired the ball at him. They also were swearing at the other team and just being wieners. I was ashamed, and when I say ashamed I mean I was shooting the shit and cracking jokes with the other team's "bench" player (who wore glasses).

And yes, it was necessary to mention the other team's stiff wore glasses. If you are rocking glasses you arent budging from the bench in a close match...aint happening.

I'm by far the worst skill player out there, but when I was in we out scored them 2-0. I just get grimy on the ball and play TENACIOUS D. Yeah I cant handle the rock, but they can't get the ball past the midfield cuz I just hustle the fuck out of them. I also get about 2 decent shots on goal a game (I miss them both).

If you want to rub mud on your ass, rub mud on your ass....if you want to be a competitive dick, be a dick. But play some dam D son...dont hog all the time, be an ultra-competitive cock throat and then half-ass the D and give up 3 goals. Yeah you scored 2 goals, but you just gave up 3 for being lazy...so do the math you cocky fuck.

I'm probably more competitive than 80% of the general population, but at least I try to be a some-what decent guy. If it's a close game you play your best players for the last 4-5 minutes...you dont have one player rock the pine for the whole half while you cant even run down the field. I got splinter's in my ass for sitting so long...and it was an Aluminum Bench! (Sorry...I dont think "cheesy-ass line sarcasm" comes across well in word).

At least I wasnt the guy in the cheap yellow mesh jersey. This poor bastard on the other team gets in and my team promptly scores in 5 seconds. And an injured player, who just got sat down cuz he cant walk, immeditely half-limps, half-drags himself back on the floor and replaces him. The yellow-mesh guy promptly picked up his bag and did the walk of shame out of the gym. I feel for you man.

And in all honesty, I really dont give a shit about not playing (baby...it's not even that good). I understand having your best players play in a close game, but I just thought it would make a good story.

PS..triangle man is suppose to be raising a fist for yellow-mesh jersey guy.

10:46 pm: Ohio people....some of the best.
I went to the Browns Backers today for the first time...I dont think I've seen so many legit people in my life. Take Pretty Ricky (from KI), Uncle D, Jimmy Taylor, Joe Joyce, and Grandpa V and multiply that by about 20. This is the crowd we are dealing with.

As I walked in a skinny weather-beaten man with a straw-cowboy hat, a 1985 faded Indians shirt that was 2 sizes too-small and short homemade jean-shorts was screaming at the television. Plus there's the 300 pound guy with a foot long browns player tattooed on his arm (rolled up sleeves of course to show off the Tat).

My favorite character (and trust me, they were characters) was this middle-aged women who wore a dog mask all game. She's the group mom and tried to make me feel as comfortable as possible by talking to me and was about 8-times more excited to see me as she should have. Of course, this made me feel as uncomfortable as possible, but I found my niche between the two 25-year old drunk guys, the cool black dude and the 55-year old grizzled vet with the Santa Claus beard.

I found a new playmate with Juan Carlos..the student from Columbia (the country not my alma mater). He's am extremely nice guy and just good people all around. I've been trying to give him the basics on the American slang...his favorite was "legit". There are few joys more pure then seeing a good man pronounce in a heavy accent, "That meal was...was legit" for the first time.

Speaking of my old school, for those who dont know, the Iranian president...radical islamic leader of one of the most oppresive and dangerous nations in the world, level 10 Jew hater, and overall world's public enemy #1....was invited by Columbia to give a speech.

What is somewhat ironic is that Columbia is the elite jewish university in America...something like 30% of our alumni our jewish and about 50% of our endowment comes from jewish alumni. So inviting the Iranian president, who says Isreal must be destroyed claims the holocaust was a myth, probably wasnt the best move.

Side thought: If the holocaust was a myth then thats the we got punked hard.

Gma wasnt too happy with my alma mater. I think her exact words were, "What is wrong with your school? Did they teach you communism?' And she was as serious as possible.

I'm not too sure how to make the connection between radical islam and communism...but Gma doesnt worry about details. Anything she deems evil (Iran, long hair, the French) is somehow related to communism. She's old school.

And to finish this off I'm going to go soft on you. Up on the Vandy website there's a story about volunteers at the childrens hospital...and they show a pic of a 9 year old boy who obvisouly has had a rough go at it (scarred and discolored skin all over). Below the pic the caption reads,

" A volunteer interacts with 9 year old Eric Jackson, a 4 time cancer survivor."

The little man is 9 and is a 4 time cancer patient...that kind of stuff just numbs you. That boy has probably never experienced a day in his life where he was healthy. When I was getting pissed about running, or how I recently was getting stressed over grad school...I try to keep things in perspective. If running or grad school is my greatest problem in life, than I am one lucky son of a bitch. I dont think we can ever be too thankful for our blessings.

06:07 pm: Cuz having 2 chicks is better than having no chicks
Traveling through Kentuck and I see a huge brown sign, "Big Bone Lick State Park". What happened, "Pussy Sink Hole State Park" was already taken?

Ki was legit...the problem was that my tummy was sick. I felt like poop most of the weekend, probably with all the grad school stress.

Scott Player is the greatest football player ever to exist. He's a punter who has a blonde monstrosity of a mustache and wears the legit one-bar facemask. I dont care that the Browns lost the game by a blocked field goal...I just know I can die happy knowing I saw God, disguised as Scott Player, recover a fumble wearing no shoulder pads.

This school week was supposed to be hell...but I just pissed on it. Straight up pissed on it. Got all my shit done way ahead of schedule and now I'm chill. I cocked punched my Math homework hard.

And now for the main course of this entry...Ray Lavendar. Many of you are unaware of the monumental work that has just been completed. "My girlfriends got a girlfriend" is up there on the Mount Rushmore of unintentional comedy...right next to the WNBA and "Big Bone Lick".

My plan was to pick one to two lines of the song...but I couldnt. Each line is worst than the next and it cumulates into a sex-pot of raunchiness and lameness. Sean summed it up best, "How long did it take to make these lyrics up...4 minutes?" I think this guy could be a stand up comedian and his act could be playing this song. Boom...he's the next Weird Al and he's not even trying. With that said...this is my favorite song right now...and I say that filled with shame and emptiness.

My girl gotta girlfriend, I just found out but it's aite!
Long as I can be with her too
My girl gotta girlfriend, it really is not a problem
Cuz I'ma make it do what it do
Cuz having two chicks, it's better than no chicks
I rather just join in, keep my girlfriend, and the other one too,
My girl gotta girlfriend
It really is not a problem {shawty} cuz I'ma make it do what it do

Shawty, you could've told me that you were sleeping with a chick
How the hell, you blow me, I thought we made out shawty
You so stingy, while you was kissing on her
I could of been behind her trying pound her out

cuz girl im bout to give you both the business
beat it up until u say ya finish
then i flip the other one
got ya bustin like a gun
so i dont really care that, my girl gotta girlfriend

What the hell is "do what it do"?

And to keep it extra-classy Ray-L's album is titled "X-Rayted". This guy is a winner.

06:48 pm: Shits been rough
The last few days have been beatin me down. The homeworks I get are just a clusterbomb of advanced math. That wears on you...plus my TA class is a shit load of work right now. I have to teach the class tomorrow...I thought it was just "read off powerpoint slides" and let them be on there way. But no...I actually have to make up the lecture.

Also, since I'm teaching I decided and I needed to clean my ass up. It's been 2 weeks since I shaved and 9 weeks since I got a haircut...so I was looking Forrest Grump running across the desertish. I figure I'll class my act up and show these 18 year old ass clowns some stle...plus I'm going to see GMa and she hates long hair.

"You look like a bum"

Thats my Gma yelling at Uncle D because his hair is 2 cm long.

Side Note: Uncle D used to have a flowing mane of shiny locks. He had Gameshow hair, thats how good it looked...he was sportin some serious style back in the 80's. Now he has a shaved head with a bald spot. Time has not been good to Uncle D's hair.

I regret shaving...I think I'm going to go for the 5 day stubble look on a permeant basis. I'll let you know how it turns out.

My turle still doesnt eat...plus he is active as hell. Thats not a good combo, plus he keeps trying to eat his rock. So I spent some cash and got the gourme box turtle food that Spot should just go ape shit over. But he doesnt go ape shit...he went the opposite of ape shit, he doesnt even touch the stuff.

Finally got my Tennessee plates...They only give you one so I need to put a nice vanity plate in front. I love LBJ and the Indians are rockin right now...but that front plate is Browns territory. I realized I need to decorate my Nissan with some Cleveland flair.



Ohh..that reminds me. My own classmate looks like the lead guy from Office Space. This is stuff I think you need to know.

Met the chairman of the Nashville Browns backers last Saturday. I was tailgating and he comes in ridin clean with a big truck with Browns flags flappin from each side. I saw him and knew I had to talk to that man. So I'm walkin across the lot, dodgin drunk frat boys and as I get closer to the beacon of Cleveland Browns fandom, I notice it is decorated all over with OSU, Browns, Indians and Cavs stickers. Fuck yeah. The guy was just a legit Ohio man. I put him up there in the Pretty Ricky (from KI) level. And that is a compliment to the highest degree.

I really really hate the douche bag look of the tailgating frat boys. I want to punch them all very hard in the balls. And even though the sorority girls look tempting in their little sun dresses, I still want them to rock some Vandy pride.

10:09 pm: Here's to the ROC
Kayne West concert dropping on Vandy Mid-October...that aint no child play. Thats going to be King Kong shit all for only a 15 dolla holla...well worth the hour I stood in line.

Of course I be flyin Han's Solo...I aint got nobody to go with. Maybe if I convinced Joe it was a warcraft convention he would be game. So I'm just going to get sloshed and let Mr. West do his shit. If I'm lucky I'll be sitting next to some hot chicks, but thats not going to be the case if all previous experience is my guide.

Scott and I went to the Nelly Furtado Concert back in June(which was a some good shit...so dont laugh you wieners) and we saw all these amazing hot chicks. Bachlorette parties, gaggles of drunk women everywhere...the ratio was a solid 8 to 1 in favor of the good guys. So who do we end up sitting next to? 4 pissed off gay dudes. Drunk, hot and bothered women everywhere and Scott and I are rocking with the rainbow warriors. That makes your dick shrink real quick. So for Kayne I'll probably be grooving next to this dude.


You know what? I hope I sit next to that guy.

The ChemEng building at Vandy is a solid concrete block with shit lines drawn into it. It's an ugly mofo...but I'll tell you what, they have the best shittiers I've ever pooped on. I'm all about the power flush and these porcelain masters blast the shit away at Mach 3. I'm pretty sure a small child can be flushed down one of these...they sound like a Jet taking off when they flush.

My one co-worker Charlie came down to Nashville on vacation with her husband, so they took me out thursday night. Great people and good company...especially since I dont get out much anymore. We had some pizza leftover which was going to be my lunch, but then a bum jamming away on his strings asked if the take-out box contained pizza. The dude was dying for a decent slice...so I gave him all 4 pieces, plus I appreciated how he was playing guitar instead of just begging. I stopped giving money away to bums ever since the one guy immediately asked for some coke after I gave him a few bucks. But I gladly give away other things...food, pair of gloves (the one NYC man loved those). I dont think gloves can get you a dime bag so I feel better doing that.

I just bitched out my freshman class I TA...these bitches dont even try to think on their own. They just want everything handed to them. They aint no bum rocking a guitar so no free lunch over here.

06:07 pm: My car is getting fixed....and they found more problems. Nissan is bitch slapping me pretty hard right now.

Got my first "fellowship" check today...getting that positive cash flow back going is always a good thing.

Fantasy football...Benson has the Danny Ferry bitch disease. It's not like Benson is going to be awful, but I picked him WAY too high and I mucked up my team pretty bad because I drafted him. So even though he will be a solid player, I still despise him for being on my team. I could of gotten Gates, but instead I have his mediocre ass. Hopefully you can connect the dots yourself and figure out why he has Danny Ferry bitch disease.

Special Note: If Ferry is able to bring a championship to the C-land than I will pardon him for handicapping the Cavs for a good decade as a player.

Has any white dude from Duke ever been good? Bobby Hurley? Latner? Ferry? Langdon? Reddick? Thats a big pile of albino shit right there.

I have another fantasy league with my roommates and I GUARANTEE I will have the best team (based on total points). Joe picked Robbie Gould with the 12th pick overall. Robbie Fuckin Gould. If you have no idea who he is, then no worries...98% of America doesnt either. He's the kicker for the Bears. I thought he was joking when he made the pick and laughed out loud, I even thought to myself, "Joe made a funny joke there". But he was serious. Who picks a kicker with the 12th overall pick? Only one man would and that man is Joe, master of warcraft.

Robbie Gould, why wouldnt you change your name to Rob? Does he think it is a good idea to go by Robbie? If he wants that "stained shirt living in the trailer park" vibe...then he got it with Robbie Gould. You play football dammit...get your balls back Robbie. If I went by Stevie I would kick my own ass.

Joe's birthday was yesterday...it sucked. He wanted me to get ice-cream with him, but I had two thoughts: 1. I dont want to piss away cash on Joe's behalf. 2. It's Joe.

Before you start callin me a cheap ass, consider that we were going to Mary Moo's...some bullshit hippy shit expensive ice-cream joint. It's one of those $6 for two scoops ass-ramming deals. Since it's his b-day I would obviously pay for him...so thats about $13 for 4 scoops of cocksucker-rip off ice cream and shitty conversation with Joe. So I avoided the whole thing all together.

I refuse to buy expensive ice-cream...I boycott that hard-core. It's right up there with fudge at the top of the boycott list. The cheap shit from Giant Eagle is just as good...I dont want real marshmellow and cherry bits in my ice-cream, I want the cheap processed shit that taste good.

The Falcons were able to deal their backup to Houston for a 2nd rounder...our "starter" was worth a 6th rounder. You wanna know what you can get with a 6th round draft pick? A pile of shit and a can of beans. 6th Rounder = practice squad player (aka a pile of shit and a can of beans).

That just shows you how shitty Anderson and Frye are. I'll save myself some typing and just say that the Browns are awful.

Mr Turtle still wont eat lettuce. He eats the bananas right up, but he wont touch the lettuce. Ok, he touches the lettuce and moves it all around his cage so I have to clean it out, but he doesnt eat it. I think he is holding out for the bananas. He figures if he wont touch the lettuce I'll give in and give him bananas. He just looks at me, wondering when the hell I'm going to get him good bananas. And unless the bananas are perfectly ripe, he wont eat them. He's becoming a bit of a bitch, but at least he lets me pet him now.

And yes, I pet my turtle. I pet him on the nose, no shame in confessing that.

08:46 pm: I love fuckin with the freshman in my class...the one dude forgot to turn in his excel graphs on time and he wrote me an email panicking "Mr. Vilt..I totally had this done BEFORE the deadline but since the due date was turned back I totally forgot to send it to you today. Can you accept it...and he rambled on for a few more sentences talking out of his ass about how every point matters to him and how he wants to do the best he can. I wasn't going to accept his work based of the fact that I thought he sounded like a wiener. Plus who the fuck capitalizes BEFORE? Am I supposed to be thinking "Ohh shit...he must be telling the truth, he capitalized BEFORE, this summabitch aint lying."

Unfortunately, I checked his excel file and it was created well before the deadline. This is where the story comes around...instead of just emailing him, "I see that the work was done before the deadline, I'll accept your work." I replied "Since the excel sheet was created Weds. at 8:38 pm , I'll accept it." The kid was freaking..."How the hell do you know what time I was working on it?" I didn't reveal my secret but the kid probably thinks I'm either
A. A computer nerd who's never touched a titty
B. A perv who likes to watch 18 year old boys do excel problems through a dirty mini-van window while licking on a lollipop.

And for those who dont know...there's a "properties" tag that shows you when a file was last modified.

Also...I showed a few kids some excel shortcuts and they thought I was Bill Gates.

I'm convinced that Mandy Moore is the hottest girl in the world. I want to play Cookie Monster with her (with her playing the part of the cookie jar). Chomp, chomp, chomp....

"I want to go 80's style and play Pac-Man on her"...was another sexual reference where the "chomp, chomp, chomp" sound bit could come into play.

Side note: We need to bring back the name calling of "wiener". It got lost somewhere in the 4th grade and we need to bring it back into the word rotation...it's got some bite to it and it's not overplayed like "dick". "Man, that John Miller...what a wiener."

Finally getting a grasp on the Math class...I went through two math books the past 4 days but I'm getting the differential equations on lock.

11:40 pm: Greatest Hits
I was pissing away a few minutes and started reading previous journal entries from the 2004...hilarity ensued.

"For the orgo exam I got bored and drew little smiley faces on my exam and had them say little quotes such as "You got me this time Prof. Knuckles" and "AH,HA, I'm on to you now Prof. Knuckles". They should keep the Ta's interested while they grade."

"My cats have mellowed a bit..no more secretions from their bottom regions. They don't crave the kitty hammer as much as they used to."

You put all the ugly people you have seen in your life and put them in one spot and that's Columbia.

So since I'm aqua jogging I meet this bad ass old lady with a swim cap. Me and her are always in the slow lane and she's become my buddy. She keeps an eye on my form and always hollas at me with a friendly smile. She's probably been holding down the aqua jogging game since '57.

10:17 pm: Sign that you are no longer dating
How do you know if you pissed off a girl?

She photo-shops you out of her Facebook pic.

So Lisa and I realized the "long-distance" thing was too much too soon.

Anyways...I realized grading homeworks suck. I'm too nice of a guy, it kills me to mark off points. I have to get better at being a hard-ass, otherwise I'm going to be dump-trucking A's on my class.

There's this one student who always calls me Professor...I should correct him, but I figured what the hell. I like being called the Professor.

I'm getting back into the school grind. The first week or so I was intimidated as hell by my math class...but now I'm getting grimey on the numbers and getting shit done.

Vandy plays Bama this weekend...and I nominated myself the tailgating chairmen for the Chem Eng program. I have very little to work with in terms of fellow party goers, but I hope to pull something together. This first game is going to be humble since the games at 11:30 and I have no idea who are going to be the loyal tailgate soldiers. As of right now are supply list reads: red plastic cups, liquor, 2 dozen krispy cream donuts....and thats it. I hope to at least score a folding table so we can put our drinks down.

Like I said...it's a work in progress. I just hope we dont have a replay of the last year at the Browns game, when our $5 grill looked so pathetic we got offered to use other people's premium meat pit. Disgracing a man's tailgate is disgracing his manhood.

09:09 pm: Umm...
I had to undergrad proof my Facebook...nobody wants to be known as the TA with the banana rocket sticking out of his "Ace" costume.

I went to the Vandy football game on saturday...we beat a 1-AA team so it wasnt much of a game. We have this one stud receiver who just whipped it out and gave it to them. I think he scored 3 td's by the 3rd quarter. Eric Bennett..he's the truth son.

One thing about the Vandy game...all the undergrads were dress shirts and ties. The ladies..they rock the sun dresses. I'm a red-blooded American, so 99.9% of time I'm 100% behind the sun dresses...but this is a f'in football game. Support your team you bitches.

The undergrad frat boys are the worst...not only do they wear shirts and ties, they bust of the gay "yellow shirt with pink stripes and baby blue tie" look. With Boat Shoes. Preppy as f'. I wanted to punch them...specifically in the nuts.

Fantasy Draft....I panicked. I picked up Benson and Ginn...I need a mulligan on those. Wasnt too happy with that. Ed, Mike and I did have good chat room banter though.

Indians....they be rollin now. I dont want to get too hyped, but they are looking like a postseason threat with CC and Carmona just getting filthy on them.

Sorry this journal is blah...I'm not in mood and I forced this one. You deserve better.

12:02 am: Comment
That last post...thats a funky looking dude right there. Real funky.

11:19 pm: Dont make it rain with Snickers.
Tomorrow was supposed to be my first day of class....but the profs in England so thats a no-go. And since I have only one class on weds...that means I'll try to eek out another day of pointless living. Thursday I have two classes and my TA duties start. Call my ignorant or over-eager, but I'm kinda excited to be a TA...I think I'll enjoy the interaction with the freshman.

Chances I get sick of the grade-obsessed feminist bitch or the cocky rich New Jersey bastard named Percy Walden the Third within a week = 90%

On Monday we had a new grad student reception and I got stuck in the awkward engineering/ computer science crowd. That was a struggle. I try to be nice and be nonjudgmental, but these cats were out there in the deep end of the social backwaters.

I was making the best of the situation until these two computer dudes started whipping candy at people. The two dudes, perhaps a little too hyped from being free from their mothers basements, took it upon themselves to be the keepers of the candy. Instead of calming handing out satisfying Snickers and delicious Milkyways like normal folks, they just launched shit grenade-style at people. And it wasnt just one-two bars...they just bombarded the unassuming audience with dozens of candy bars.

Comp Sci guy:"Do you want some candy"
Partygoer: "Ohh...yeah I'll take a snickers bar"
Then the comp sci guys make it rain on the bastards. Reese cups were knocking over cups, splattering pizza and scattering the party participants like cockroaches.

I'm 99% sure the two dudes never got laid in their life. Hell...they probably have never even tweaked a titty.

This pic is a pretty accurate discription of the type of crowd I was working with.


Eventually I found a couple of chem engineers in my department who actually can interact with fellow humans. So things got better...plus the one girl had nice boobs (what..thats what you call them right? I'm old enough).

Going off topic...why can't guys ignore cleavage? Men have a sixth sense about cleavage...they know where it is at all times and they can't help but look. Even if the girl is a hook-nasty, if she has nice boobs you are staring...and you are staring hard. There's another girl in my department who is married and she always is rocking the "semi-conservative but teasing you with a little boob action" shirts. I'm not attracted to her but I'm drawn to her twins like a magnet. She's good conversation but every time we talk it's a great battle not to stare at her boobs. I think the boobs are winning the battle right now.

Shit story of the day...it looks like I'm going to plunk down $700 to get my Nissan ready for e-check. I could get really pissed about it, but why? I cant do shit to change it, so just take the ass-ramming like a man. Tennessee is on my shit list for not having the treadmill e-check...I'm blaming Al Gore for this, just because I can.

Louis is off my shit list. He was a nice guy and he had a reason for the delayed phone call. When I went to get my car checked he called me the "cool cat from out of state". I then shot the shit with the one employee about grad school. It went about as good as it can go when you find out you have to piss out $700 for a bullshit computer chip.

10:52 pm: Shitter's full
I was laying the Pipe..in a very literal sense. Today I spent a good 4 hours trying to fix our two toilets. I've never worked on a shitter in my life, so the efficiency was at low level. If I had a mulligan it would probably take about 10 minutes. My plumbing scorecard:

Total trips to Lowes = 3
Minutes that Joe (who had an uncle whose a plumber) helped = 7 minutes.
Minutes Joe played World of Warcraft today = 232,444
Snide comments from Joe = 8
Fixed toilets = 2

My other big adventure was taking out a Wasps nest. The nest is on our back porch right by the back door. I hid behind that door, shot the shit out of the bitch with my death spray and closed the door. Sneak attack, son.

My friday was a trip to hell...it's a long bitch fest but I'll try to condense it.
My nissan has a frayed computer chip that affects NOTHING except it wont enable accurate E-check tests. Back in Ohio this was not a problem, as they simply put my car on a dyanometer (a treadmill for cars). Here in Tenneshit they dont have the treadmill option...I can only test the car electronically. Not a big problem, except it will probably cost my $500 to fix a summabitch computer chip that does absolutely jack shit except run e-check, a e-check that I've passed 3 years running.

While I was there 4 other cars couldnt get test electronically, so all these poor SOB's have to shit out cash for a repair. Why not get a dam treadmill thing? Tennessee E-check place = cocksuckers.

I was further dismayed when I found out I would have to shell out $90 just to run a diagnostic test to figure out what the hell is wrong with my car. I was able to beat back the wave of shit when I found I could get a free diagnostic check through the State...just have to call Louis from the Automotive Specialty services. So I call Louis...not there. I left a message at about noon. Call again at 1:30...get his secretary. "He's at lunch for the next hour...leave a message and he'll call you back"

Wait 2 hours and call back at 3:15..."Ohh he's not here...he left early today". Who the hell takes lunch 1:30-2:30 and then leaves at 3:00? Ohh wait, I would do that..but I would check my messages. Louis = Cocksucker.

I was riding dirty on expired plates so I had to get a temporary TN plates. That was not bad (only cost $8, the one employee was hot and she spoke spanish).

I've been playing Resident Evil 4 (great game) to fill my free time and I really wish I had someone here...just so I can crack jokes to them. There's been about 3-4 times I've been playing and some Zombie pops out from some random spot...I I'm just about to shout out a joke and I look across the empty living room...I take an awkward pause then resume playing.

For example: I'm walking around a mansion and kick open a door...there's a zombie taking a shit. I give him a shotgun to the crotch and shout, "Shitter's full". No audience...what a waste of a great line.

Also in Resident Evil...this one boss is a summabitch. I just dont like the dude..he's a 20 year old zombie midget with a shit attitude and an annoying voice. All game long he talks on my radio and gives me corny-ass phrases like "You don't play nice...I guess I'll start playing rough" and "Now for the main course...YOU!". So I didnt just want to kill him...I wanted to own his ass.

So when I finally faced him near the end of the game I wasted all my money and got a single-shot rocket launcher. I got as close as I could...absorbing a few hits along the way and launched a rocket in his cock-n-balls sucking mouth. Blew him to hell and back.

Will I have enough money to finish the game? Maybe not. But it was worth it. All I needed was someone near me so I could have uttered, "F me? No, no...F You!!!! I own this place!" as I cranked a rocket in his bitch face.